The Holy Unown Bible
This is The Holy Unown Bible that is followed by three religions: Jamieism, Unownism and Pouetpuism. Part 1: (Sega) Genesis In the beginning, there was nothing but a ton of crap. Then, through unknown reasons, Retard Jamie appeared through the trash heap and started forming the junk into awesome stuff. He used his mind to create living things. His first creation was a goat. He called the goat "Goat-tan" because he wasn't very creative. Retard Jamie's next creation was Barack Obama. He sent Obama down to the bottom of the trash heap to help form the Earth. Afterwards, Retard Jamie took a break and had a nice snack. Then, he decided to make more people to help create the rest of the universe. Retard Jamie created Good Level 4, Timmy Turner, and MikePote to help create the Sun, the stars and the other planets. Next, Retard Jamie created Isabelle. Her job was set to help create life on earth, however this ended up being the job of the next creation; Tomoko Kuroki. Tomoko started forming the animals of earth. While crafting pigs, she screwed up and accidently made a Markey instead. This really pissed Retard Jamie off, so he sent Tomoko to Hell. He then realized that Hell didn't have an owner yet, so he created Nathan123 to moderate it. Next, Retard Jamie needed someone to create human beings (cuz they're sooooo different from animals, right?!) so, he created Paul Williams to do this task. Paul had a difficult job, he couldn't make the humans too strong, and they couldn't be too weak. The first time, he messed up and made Shari, who was way too perfect to exist with other humans, but she later escaped in a classic story that I will not tell you. After many tries, he eventually made humans that were just right to live on earth. You are most likely one of these people. Probably. Part 2: The Rise of Pouetpu-games 250 years after the universe is created, people start to become huge jerks. Retard Jamie sees this, and decides he needs to fix it. He finds one dork named Unown who is worthy enough to complete the task. Retard Jamie sends Unown to the top of a hill, where he sees a stone etched with The Ten Epic Rules. He then must spread the message but it doesn't matter because no one will listen anyway. Meanwhile, while that crap is happening, Goat-tan is deciding whether to kill everyone on earth just for the fun of it. All of Retard Jamie's universe-building creations all cast a vote, and the answer is yes. So, they go around killing everyone in the world. The End. Retard Jamie sees this and gets really pissed off. Since everyone is dead already, he instructs Paul Williams to make more people. Paul disobeys him for fun and makes ACDC Fangirl. I'm running out of ideas for this chapter so I'll just get to the point: One retarded loser survives the mass-murder. His name is Pouetpu. He builds his own civilization and calls it Pouetpu-games. Seeing this, Tomoko recreates animals and junk and more people are made somehow. Now, an entire country of people exist, and with all this going on, Shari is able to escape Paul Williams's prison and hide on earth somewhere. Now for the next part of the story. Part 3: The Great War Pouetpu-games was at a civil war, with the country being split into 2 parts: Morons and Cool People. Pouetpu was, of course, on the Morons side. ACDC Fangirl snuck into Pouetpu's Castle using some SICK ninja skills, and murders him. Now, since the country has no leader, Prince 09dhowell must take the wheel and steer the country to stupidity! The Cool People side was winning, of course, until 09dhowell banned everyone by abusing his mod powers. What a loser. Part 4: Gone Goat-tan, Obama, Tomoko, Paul Williams and other godly people all have a meeting. Retard Jamie has locked himself in a small house on the top a faraway hill because of depression. They decide they must kill Shari, as her perfectness is probably what is making Retard Jamie depressed. Obama finds Shari and takes her to the other gods, and they all decide to torture her before they kill her. After 12 days of them trying everything in existence to hurt her, they discover she is invincible, and they decide to use the ultimate killing technique: Watching PewDiePie videos. They chain Shari to a chair and put her in front of a TV playing PewDiePie Screaming Into a Microphone Episode 23. Upon seeing the horrific video, Shari writes something down, and then commits suicide. The note she wrote is as follows: “''I am disgusted I was created by monsters such as you. Sweet death will now come and remove me from a world which became unbearable when you crawled out of a harpy's lair''” This really pisses them off, so they decide to kill everyone on earth again. Retard Jamie jumps from the hill and tries to stop them, but he gets distracted by a penny on the ground. Timmy Turner appears and starts creating worms under people's skin that crawl through their insides and they can feel wherever it goes. All life on earth is now wiped out, except for about 20 people. Retard Jamie, no longer depressed and now really REALLY pissed off, removes god status from Goat-tan, Obama, Tomoko, Paul Williams, Timmy Turner, etc. When he does this, an odd darkness leaves their bodies. Retard Jamie suddenly realizes: They were possessed by Nathan! Paul summons a huge rock and smashes Nathan with it. Goat-tan re-winds time and everything goes back to normal and everyone lives happily ever after (until the next chapter of course). Part 5: The Most Epic Chapter Ever BY THE U.S. GOVERNMENT Part 6: Bronies After the insanely epic adventure that happened in Chapter 5, Pouetpu Castle is now a pile of rubble. The radiation from the nukes in the previous chapter have caused a new disgusting species to evolve: 500 pound ugly monsters that feed off of Doritos and Mountain Dew, they're name is as disgusting as they are: BRONIES. Retard Jamie looks down at his world and is disgusted these bronies exist. He decides to send an army to kill them all. The army fights the bronies but it seems they're being powered by some unknown energy. They then realize it is life energy, which means it's powered by someone. So, they go around killing everyone on earth hoping they will kill the power source. They soon end up with only 3 suspects of who it could be: Toby, Kitty Katswell and Timmy Turner. Goat-tan puts them all in a car and drives them to Retard Jamie's throne. When they arrive, they are all dead, because goats can't drive, so a goat driving broke the laws of the univese, thus killing them. The army starts to fight the bronies more, but the bronies are STILL too powerful. They figure out the source of the brony's power must be their leader: PewDiePie. Isabelle breaks into PewDiePie's house and nails him to the f*cking cross. PewDiePie's last words were "I AM JESUS!!!" as he was burned alive. Now, without a power source, the army was able to defeat the disgusting bronies and save the world. Too bad everyone on earth was already dead. Paul Williams needs a day off, he had to recreate the entire planet's population 4 times in this bible so far, and it's only been a week! Part 7: Darkness One day, Markey looked up at the sun. His eyes burned from looking straight at it, so he swore revenge. Meanwhile, since Nathan was dead, Hell didn't have an owner. Retard Jamie decided to give this job to 09dhowell, because he loves torturing people. On the very first day of work, 09 let loose all the demons of hell, and since all the gods and armies were having a vacation at anime convention, no one was there to stop them. Many people of Earth tried to fight the demons, including the greatest warrior in the universe; Justin Bieber. None of the people of earth could win the fight, so the demons retreated to the center of the sun. The world was in panic, they knew they were going to die. People robbed, murdered and destroyed. The riots had begun. Meanwhile, Markey was still really pissed off that the sun hurt his eyes, so he stole a laser and was getting ready to blast the sun into 49 billion pieces. Goat-tan saw this and tried to stop him, but Markey shot the sun before she could get to him. The sun exploded, killing the demons and also destroying half the solar system. Retard Jamie saw that Markey killed the demons and decided to grant Markey one wish: "I wish I wasn't retarded!" said Markey. And he wasn't retarded. Part 8: Pirates Now that the entire solar system is destroyed, Retard Jamie decided to gather all his illuminati pals and go on a fishing trip (he secretly wanted to convert them into pirates). The pirate crew was as follows: Goat-tan, Paul Williams, Markey, GL4, Tom, Gooby, Justin Bieber, MikePote, Sonic, Tails, Squidward, Obama, and the rest of the illuminati. The pirate crew goes on many funny adventures, many which involved fighting other pirates in epic battles. Until one day, the crew ends up fighting against some really disgusting monsters. They quickly identify themselves as the most horrible species of them all: Bronies. The fight lasts 27 hours, until one of them realizes they should be using swords instead of rock-paper-scissors. Then the battle begins. One of the bronies opens a door inside the ship and releases a chupacabra, which immediately eats Goat-tan. Obama freaks out and tries to avenge her death, but one of the bronies accidently sets off a nuke and kills everyone. However, one brony survives, he takes off his mask and reveals himself to be 09dhowell! He swims to shore and starts killing a ton of people, before tripping on a rock and setting off a chain reaction that eventually destroys the planet. I'm sorry for how stupid this chapter is, but with a name like "Pirates" you shouldn't have expected much. Part 9: Reticulatimg Splines After the insane amount of people that anticlimactically died in the previous chapter, there are very few people left on earth. Retard Jamie's greatest prophet Unown is sent to fix this. The magic used to bring people back to life unfortunately corrupts the brains of anyone it is used on. Unown tries to revive many people, but they all end up becoming zombies, except one; Markey. Markey's brain wasn't ruined by the magic because he never had a brain to start with. Now, it's just Unown and Markey stuck together in a zombie apocalypse. Unown decides that living with Markey alone is too horrible to bear, so he murders him. With Markey dead, Unown runs to the ruins of Pouetpu castle and finds someone who surprisingly hasn't died yet: Isabelle! Then Isabelle kills herself (???) for some reason. I'm getting really lazy with this paragraph so lets skip to the next one. Unown finds all the people who he knew before, ACDC Fangirl, Chris Chan, etc, have all been turned into zombies. He walks to the top of the hill where he got the Ten Epic Rules from and summons Retard Jamie. Part 10: The Darkness Unown does some totally rad dance moves that can summon gods. Unown looks up at the sky, as Retard Jamie appears. Unown is clearly really pissed that he's the last living thing on the planet. For all his troubles, Retard Jamie tells Unown that he will grant him one wish. Unown says "This world is horrible, and it is all your fault. You call yourself God, but you are not a god, you do not deserve such a title. I wish you didn't exist!" And he didn't exist. And the universe didn't exist. Category:Pouetpu Category:The Unstoppable Seven Category:The Unown Bible